I've come to that stage in life when I find myself offering condolences more often than I offer congratulations. Without being over dramatic, it's not my favorite place in life's continuum. When I'm faced with those who've lost a loved one, my inability to fix the situation rises like a spectre in a darkened hallway. I don't know which way to run but I know I don't want to get buddy-buddy with ghosts!
Simply put, it's not easy to say what I really mean when my family members and friends report another loss. The polite, normal speeches like... "I'm so sorry for your loss." or "What can I do to help?" or "You're in my thoughts and prayers" don't really communicate what I'd like to say. In fact those words taste like stagnant, insipid water on my tongue. Instead, I'd like to shout, "DAMNIT!! That sucks and I don't want you to have to go through this crap!" I want to say, "IT'S NOT FAIR!" I want to respond to the grief and anguish with hugs that don't let go after a polite few seconds. I want to grab my hurting friends and go get ice-cream so we can be together and cry while our silence rails at the darker end of the tunnel of life. I want to rush into the fray and battle like a contrary berserker against the approaching doom of all humans!!
It probably doesn't help anything that I come from "nice-people" stock. For "my people" the public show of emotion was generally viewed with disdain if not distaste. We're supposed to "be better than that". We're supposed to "rely on the comfort of our faith in eternal life" and other stock religio-pathetic dictums. Well, this is the only life I know!! I'm really not concerned with the afterlife because I'm very involved with this present life! I don't like it when those I love are lost. When those loved by those I love lose the ones they love, it's just as bad!
You'll not be surprised to know that I don't like saying goodbye. I don't think I'll ever like it! I don't think I'm supposed to like saying goodbye! I want to be one of those people who says "hello" with a genuine smile while meaning it! I want to greet each approaching day of life with some kind of hope and energy or some kind of joyful tune. It's just rotten when days and days and days of loss mar the horizon of life. I want to scream at the heavens, "Couldn't YOU have come up with a better solution?!"
So, I improvise... I try to say things I actually mean. I try to stay away from the trite and often meaningless mumblings of those who just want the situation to "be all better" so they can get back to their individually monotonous trudge to the grave. I want to embrace life and draw our collective energy into the dance of hope even when we're peering over the precipice of death. I want to lustily sing a "round" with a large and lively group when most of us are dreading the daily news of another loss. I want to get a new and better pair of glasses so I can see anything besides my name written on the list of those yet to share that ultimate human experience.
Perhaps, like you, I don't like giving up or losing a fight. And so, I try to find ways and words that allow the grace and mercy of each new day to infiltrate our impending doom with something that makes wholeness and holiness one of today's possibilities. Maybe that's akin to avoiding the truth, but it seems to be a noble cause nonetheless.
If you're wondering, I don't know how to tell you to comfort a friend who's lost a loved one. That's probably because I don't know how to offer that solace myself. I only know this; we are in the journey together. I don't want to hurry the inevitable. As much as I might like to, I won't deny the reality of death. But neither will I allow death to dominate my world such that I become a consolation drone on the way to having others drone their consolations to those who loved me...
Randy
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